The omnipresence of food quantity on our latest cruise has again proven to be a main center of attention for many. It makes no difference what time it is, all paths ultimately lead them to the plentiful food buffet on Deck 16. Being fully prepared to compete for a luscious cupcake or perhaps a juicy crab leg amidst a rabid mob scene of already obese cruise passengers, I propose some useful actions for the gluttonous masses. These recommendations would be particularly useful for those who wish to maximize their food intake at what I unfondly refer to now as the “trough.”
1. Head directly to the dessert area first and load up on sugary parfaits, fatty pastries, and syrupy lattes. Fuel up on this quick energy that will entice you to eat more as your blood sugar levels dramatically spike.
2. When you enter the main trough area, wear a helmet and shoulder pads to withstand the physical competition heading for that last meatball or shrimp available.
3. Plates are optional as you can pile more food per square inch on your tray alone for sure.
4. Do not order water when possible. Fruity and sugary drinks taste much better.
5.Never read when you sit down to eat your main meal. Others may interpret your actions as offensive to the gossipy social atmosphere that surrounds you.
6. Never sit next to a window as you do not need to be reminded that you are gorging now as many local islanders below your view are starving in utter poverty.
7. Use sarcasm with discretion with your International waiter from Moldova, Bulgaria… Your words may be taken literally. Ex. Waiter – ” Your day was good? “- Passenger – Are you kidding? It was raining cats and dogs.”
8. Never rationalize that you will go on a diet tomorrow to overcome your overeating ways. Would you even be on this cruise without the food?
9. When you are finished eating , feel unity with your other bloated cruise comrades as you make a second or third trip to the buffet line.
10. Do not bother doing any exercise after you eat. It would require you to walk too far from the next food line.
11. Consider adopting a daily routine of pairing your eating heaven with daily participation in “Gout Sufferers Anonymous” or “Future Diabetics of America” Support Group sessions.
Seriously, the true value of a cruise experience, can never be provided by obsessing on food. There are wonderful cuisines of many cultures to sample leisurely on and off the ship if one removes from their mind the temptation to shovel more and more food as they compulsively visit the “trough.” One can also make wise choices for their body on a cruise if they challenge themselves with health-conscious activity in their ample free time. In pursuit of moderation in your daily existence, then, I urge you to book your next “floating hotel” reciting the mantra that we must “eat to live, not live to eat”.