USFMAN Cruise Challenge 2017

As Ruth and I ended our relaxing, reposition cruise with a farewell selfie, my curious mind raised a number of perplexing questions for lighthearted analysis. How many can you answer correctly?

PROPOSED SCORING:

20-25 correct – Cruising is second nature for you – As you are obviously a savvy cruiser , I say go for it.

15-19 correct – You should embrace cruising but be beware of long distance travel. Do not travel alone if possible.

6-14 correct – Look at cruising as a matter of celebratory necessity only. If you desire a second honeymoon or simply want to party, for instance, cruise intermittently. Stay as busy as possible with as many onboard activities daily to avoid being burdened by thoughts of life back home.

0-5 correct- Cruising is a risky form of travel for you in any time or place. If you decide to sail, consider staying in your cabin for the entire length of the voyage. Avoid elevators or lifeboats at all cost.

BEGIN THE TEST BELOW:

1. Why are there no canaries on the Canary Islands? Why
bother to name it after this bird in the first place?

2. Why can’t cruise lines make the Sargasso Sea into a day trip cruise destination? I would love to see up close lava action as the continental plates collide.

3. Why do cruise lines offer a newspaper that prints news
from two days ago?

4.Why does the mere mention of the word lobster generate potential bedlam amongst cruise passengers on the ship?

5. How effectively could police conduct a legitimate sobriety test onboard a wave bouncing ship?

6. Are passengers who appear asleep in hypnotist acts aboard ship merely faking it? How is it possible instantly fall asleep at the snap of a hypnotist’s finger?

7. Why do cruises offer the services of a library when its main purpose seems to be as a meeting place for small-talking fools?

8. Why are cruise landings located inaccessibly to the most beautifully pristine places on tropical islands?

9. Why am I more likely to find a rugby or cricket match than a football/baseball game televised on a cruise ship filled with sports ravenous Americans?

10. Why does the term “Senior Summer Camp” come to mind when I go on a longer cruise?

11. If there really is a captain of a cruise ship, why have I rarely seen one?

12.Why are there cabins nearby me where people never leave their assigned room space? What are they doing?

13.Why are trays no longer offered in buffet lines to carry plates and utensils?

14. How does a scrawny sparrow appear on deck in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean?

15. Why doesn’t the chef prepare lobster every night of a cruise? The passengers would be much more happy.

16.Why is it easier to find the women’s restroom?

17.How many obese cruise passengers at one time can you fit into a single elevator before it becomes dis -functional to use?

18. Why do room stewards knock on my door at night while I am sleeping to announce that they need to change the bed?

19. Why do so few passengers seem to wave on top decks at cruise ports during departures anymore?

20. Why are time zone changes announced on the open seas when land is several days away? What difference does this make?

21.What is the official cure for a person who experiences “cabin fever” after several, consecutive sea days cruising?

22. Why are the dessert trays visibly located as the first food item you notice when entering the buffet area?

23. Why is it easier to find a pizza slice or ice cream cup than the exercise/ fitness area on a cruise ship?

24. Why are road sign rules not placed along the walk/jog circuits and food line areas?

25. In the event of evacuation, how seaworthy are the lifeboats if they are weighted down with food heavy passengers?

PROPOSED ANSWERS:

1.The Canaries were never intended to be named after this cute little bird but they actually derive from a long ago period of Roman conquest of the oppressed Native people in these islands. From a tourist marketing perspective, also, it’s better to entice people to exotically new places with eye catching names.

2.There lies zero landmass on the Sargasso Sea.

3. Being aware of current reality news is counterproductive to the fantasy of hedonistic escape on any cruise.

4. Food addictions run rampant on cruises

5. Why bother with sobriety tests. Alcohol addictions aboard ship are easily satisfied by slick marketing ploys for unlimited wine and spirits indulgence.

6. Wait about ten minutes after the show has finished. Hang out in the lobby and notice how many passengers admit they were suspiciously contacted before the show to act willingly to simulate sleep behavior.

7. Reading is counterproductive to being a small talking fool in any environment on a ship.

8. Hordes of cruise tourists converging on such serene locations would overtax the natural amenities of such places. Resulting “tourist trap” infiltration would reduce the cruise lines marketing allure to visit them.

9. The dutiful staff of a cruise-boat resides primarily outside the United States where American football/baseball does not market well. Since they are the more permanent occupants of a
cruise experience, it makes sense to prioritize their sports interests first by television.

10. Older people flock to longer cruises because they now have the time. Many of them, however, feel lonely, sedentary, and “out of touch” with life. Therefore, the greater amount of sea days on such a cruise revitalizes their spirit to feel young again by staying busy with a seemingly endless array of activities onboard ship every day.

11. To be honest, I did have actually made an actual, photo op-sighting of the alleged captain on this cruise. It appears that much of his real work in making a cruise successful remains hidden from public view to create an illusion for the passenger of continual happiness aboard ship. In reality, the captain is a very busy man dealing with stressful docking deadlines, stomach churning weather, and constant employee turnover. He therefore has little time or inclination to show face in public.

12. Seasickness overcomes the spirit to enjoy a cruise onboard for some. If you have the luxury of a seaside balcony, you can relax all day/night there, without undergoing the emotional
condition of “cabin fever.”

13. Cruise personnel might be afraid that ravenous passengers will pile food to cover their entire tray regularly thus risking the calamity that a ship will run out of food.

14. Little birds find large cruise ships as lazy ways to cross the ocean with little flying needed on their part and ample free food.

15. The lobster species would soon become extinct. Also, competition among passengers to fill their plate with lobster
might incite aggression and fighting among hungry passengers.

16.Women might have several, urgent needs other than elimination of waste products for using a bathroom compared to men on board a ship. Therefore, they should not be expected to search impatiently as men do to find a restroom.

17.Any more than ten, food satisfied cruisers crowding into a ship elevator, and I am heading for the stairs. In addition, walkers, wheelchairs, and service dogs might exacerbate such a weight situation.

18.Cruise passengers are not expected to sleep much unless they are sick. There are so many better ways to fill a cruiser’s time at night on a cruise.

19. Easy answer. They have already made a “beeline”to the buffet deck.

20. Gaining or losing an hour by time zone proves at least that the boat is actually moving. Other than that, slowly evolving, time zone changes might convince many from a marketing perspective that making the choice for sailing across the ocean is a possible cure for jet lag.

21. Rebook an oceanfront, balcony room location or perhaps inquire at the infirmary for an immediate treatment of “medically induced” coma.

22.If you eat more sugary products, your food addiction will grow. Then you will book more cruises to satisfy your hunger on the buffet deck.

23. A large percentage of elderly passengers on longer are in no physical shape to exercise on board ship. Their obesity is largely caused by bad choices leading them to eat a carb/sugar loaded diet in the first place. Why disappoint them now in their “golden years?”

24. Road signs placed along streets are a matter of serving calls for the public interest for health, safety…Cruises , however, cater to the narcissistic needs of passengers competitively as a private enterprise. Therefore, it would not be in the marketing interests of a cruise line to over-legislate its product restricting freedom of movement onboard ship.

25. The lifeboats are tested periodically for buoyancy/ safety conditions. Yet, I wouldn’t hesitate to make use of my relatively athletic fitness if I was onboard a heavily loaded ship of plump passengers.In such case, I would employ a Plan B option to make my way swimming to a visibly close island.